June 17, 2010
As Chef Boyardee conclusively proved, nothing makes children react explode with nova-like rage than the suggestion they consume a plant. If it isn't deep-fried, dipped in caramel or both, you'd have as much luck getting a kid to eat a carrot as you would teaching a kitten calligraphy. This is as solid a truth in advertising as you are likely to find, as universally understood as the fact that once a month, women menstruate windshield-wiper fluid.
Thank goodness Hidden Valley is here to defuse the ticking time-bomb of psychotic fury that is your child's aversion to vitamins. Their creamy balm of salad salve is all that stands between your progeny and crippling beriberi, rickets, or any number of other hilarious-sounding deficiencies. It helps if your definition of "balanced diet" includes the phrase "fat-slathered." It doesn't have to be right at the top, even.
Let's not beat around the dressing-drenched bush, Hidden Valley. You aren't making vegetables any more delectable. You're making everything taste like ranch. You could dip a fistful of lug nuts and pigeon bones into that gallon-sized bowl of dressing you got there and it would taste the same as a piece of cauliflower.
Do you think after emptying the fourth or fifth bottle of ranch dressing into that bowl, the mom took a moment to wonder about the exact moment she lost her fucking mind? Just out of frame, she's chewing on the end of her ponytail and murmuring, "I'm a good cook. I'm a good cook. I'm. A. Good. Cook."
Don't get me wrong, ranch dressing is some tasty stuff. Few people would dispute that, and you lunatics in the Pacific Northwest seem to think it's a fair replacement for other foodstuffs like ketchup or bread. But just because something is tasty does not justify loading into a fire hose and spraying your children with it under the guise of proper nutrition. That would be as insane as trying to make high-fructose corn syrup sound healthy.
Chances I will buy Hidden Valley ranch dressing thanks to this ad: Proper hidden valleys are filled with iguana dinosaurs and giant apes, not flavored mayonnaise.
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